By Zeus's Beard! A Poseidon Adventure. Hercules: Prince of Power

It was some time before extra-terrestrial life found the planet Earth’s vast lifeless remains. Through an initial scan of the withered corpse of our home, the creatures determined that sentient life had in fact once inhabited the globe. By using temporal scans they could see whispers and ghosts of times passed, and eventually they determined that the following transcription was in fact the pivotal moment that began the end of the world.

Begin Transmission:

Voice: Hello, hello! This is Dr. Stanley Baldovich and my lab assistant Eric Schultz reporting on the site of the giant sphere found in the Northwest Territories. We are at what many consider the North Pole.

Eric: Lab assistant? Really now? I co-wrote the research paper with you.


Stanley: Yes, but your name comes second in our findings, therefore you shall be my lab assistant.

Eric: Seriously? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.

Stanley: Shut up and hand me the laser saw.

Eric: Fine, but I'm pretty sure that laser saw isn't the scientific name for this instrument.


Stanley: It matters not. Time is of the essence.

Eric: If time is of the essence we wouldn't have spent the last three days drinking heavily and playing 
Ultimate Frisbee with the sled dogs, but whatever, let's get on with it.

Stanley: As my stalwart companion makes his primary incision into the dome we--

(A thunderous boom echoes across the wastelands of Northern Canada.)

Eric: What was that? Did you hear that?

Stanley: Of course not, it only was a cacophonous explosion of thunder. Who could hear that?

Eric: Well, there's no need to be rude.


A Booming Voice: Behold, mortals! Thou hast broken through into Pandora's box! The Great 
Pantheon of Mt. Olympus shall now judge man for its hubris!

Stanley: Is that Zeus? I'm pretty sure that's Zeus.

Zeus: Verily indeed, man-child. For it is I, the great ruler of Mt. Olympus, who shall pass down judgment for the misdeeds of the mortal world. Thou hast broken the great seal of Pandora, and through curiosity hast failed the test of our mettle.


Eric: Pandora's box? How is a giant dome a jar?

Zeus: The missus believed that a dome would more readily compliment the natural world around it than a mysterious jar. Also, who would find a jar out in the middle of this frozen garbage? By my own beard, it's cold out here!


Stanley: Which missus?


Zeus: Does it matter? Hah. Women. Am I right, fellas?


Eric: I'm not even going to dignify that.

Stanley: So wait a minute, we're to be judged?


Zeus: Greatly! As I snap my fingers the great city of Pompeii will once more be covered in ashes to be shown the wrath of the true gods.

Eric: You might burn half of Naples, I guess. Have you even been paying attention to the planet at all the last few thousand years?


Zeus: Well, I watch every once in a while, but we've been letting Poseidon do some of the work lately. Global warming, hah, what a laugh. Poseidon's just been raising the water level a little bit every year. It's mightily a riot, indeed. How do you mortals say it, "You just got Punk'd?"

Eric: What?


Zeus: No one said anything about the Pantheon being nice, dear mortal. Remember what happened to Hercules?


Stanley: Yeah, after his many trials he became a god in his own right.


Zeus: I guess… if you can qualify the God of Whining as anything but a pain in the ass.

Eric: Okay, so enough chit chat, you've caused Mt. Pompeii to erupt, and that sucks... but are we cool now?


Zeus: Nay, mortal, we are not cool, for now it is time to punish the Spartans!

(Another loud boom echoes across the land but this one from a far greater distance.)

Stanley: I hate to inform you, Zeus, but there hasn't been a Spartan state for centuries.

Zeus: Nay, foolish mortal, I am speaking of the Michigan State Spartans who cost me mine wager with Apollo last month. Now there is no more State of Michigan for there to be Spartans.

Eric: So wait... Isn't the opening of Pandora's box supposed to lead to the end of the mortal world?


Zeus: Fear not, for the end of the mortal world is Atlas's newly assigned task.

Eric: Fear not for the end of the world? Are you serious? Is he serious?

Stanley: Atlas... You mean the guy who is carrying the earth?


Zeus: Certainly. He did so for an age and now he shall perform one more job in bondage servitude.

Eric: What do you mean by… whoa, my god! That is a big dude!


Zeus: Verily. Hey Atlas, are you ready?

Atlas: Verily!

(Loud tremors are heard as it sounds as though the mortal world is shaken from the earth itself and falls into space.)

Stanley: Tell me something, Eric, in these last moments of life as we fall upward towards the sky.


Eric: What, Stanley?


Stanley: Why would Zeus cause Pompeii to erupt and lightning-bolt Michigan if he was just going to kill us anyway?


Eric: Because Zeus is a jackass.

Zeus: Verily!

End Transmission