The Maple Menace Strikes

Canadian Military Strike Leaves Thousands Dead and Millions Confused (posted 2 hours ago)
By JOHN WHITE
WASHINGTON (AP) – D.C. citizens were startled to find atomic mushroom clouds in their backyards yesterday, arriving after missiles fired by what sources say is a new nuclear power: Canada.

"Seriously? Canada? I totally didn't see that coming," said the President after a delightful breakfast underneath the White House with key members of the opposing political party. The President will be discussing with top officials where their squash games will be henceforth relocated, as well as some sort of contingency plan to get re-elected in a world governed by atomic zombie men.

European Union Criticizes US's Action or Inaction, or Whatever they Feel Like Complaining About at That Particular Moment (posted 45 minutes ago)
By ZOHAR POTEMKIN
LONDON (REUTERS) – The European Union's response to Wednesday’s attack on Washington, arrived in the form of a prepared statement by the United Kingdom with scribbles all over it made by France and other nations.

Putting aside its bickering about tariffs and trying not to convince the Danish to abandon the krone, the EU joined forces to complain about how the U.S. is handling its latest crisis on foreign soil.

"We just think that firing rocket after rocket continuously into the same spot in Toronto to build an ever larger crater is a bit excessive," said the Prime Minister of the U.K. "We cannot condone the actions of the U.S., especially since it seems as though the atmosphere is already on fire with atomic dust from nuclear fallout. Beginning immediately we will have to hastily enact a trade embargo on all U.S. goods, which consequently are made in Asia and not really U.S. goods in the first place..."

Stop Eating that Maple Syrup (Opinion) (posted 5 minutes ago)
By ANGRY WHITE RIGHT-WINGER GUY
MIDDLE AMERICA (YELLING AT HIPPIES BECAUSE THEY'RE DUMB GAZETTE) – My friends, it's clear that my heightened state of paranoia has paid off. And fortunately, my friends, I was safe because my pre-Y2K packed bunker was stockpiled well in advance. It's time we show our defiance as Americans, by pouring every bottle of maple syrup we have down the drain. Other activities we can display to show that the Canadians’ socialized health care won't infringe upon our greatness as Americans include: our right to own firearms, and to have free-speech as long as you agree exactly with how the status-quo implies we should think. Did you know those Canucks even allow gays to marry? My god, what's this world coming to?
Curling Now Banned by Olympic Committee (posted 4 days ago)
By DARIUS SMITH
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND (AP) – Just days before the 20XX Winter Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has decided to ban the sport of curling, deigning it, "Silly, and more than anything else, a waste of time and space. Really? You're throwing things on ice, and then sweeping a broom really fast behind it. Wow, why don't we just make shuffleboard a sport, or perhaps darts? Would those be any less silly than curling? Actually, yes, they would."

The Canadian officials who most eagerly fought to defend the sport from declassification were last seen walking to their cars, doing that "Charlie Brown thing where he walks with his head facing down and somehow doesn't bump into anything in front of him."

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with the Liquefied Remains of the Jonas Brothers (25 seconds ago) 
PopBlog

OBNOXIOUS BLONDE INTERVIEWER: Oh my god! You guys look so great, like you've really lost weight. So how are you guys doing with your new image?

LIQUEFIED REMAINS OF THE JONAS BROTHERS: Gkt!

OBI: Wow, that's so great. When can we expect to see you guys in concert next?

LRJB: Brglegurgle.

OBI: Wow! So soon! Any new details on the album?

LRJB: Pzt! Brglegurgleflargggh.

OBI: Wow, I think it's so insightful and deep the way you guys talk about your craft.

SURVEY: Americans still care about inconsequential garbage slightly more than getting to fallout shelters.

Celebrities Arrive in Radioactive Fallout Suits on Red Carpet.

Iran Fires Missiles Indiscriminately in Random Directions Saying "Hey, if it's a Party."